pieces of me

A Final Goodbye

in loving memory of the late



xiao ai, my beloved hamster,
departed on 27th May, 2006

i still can't really accept the fact that she's gone now.. i mean, how can it be? she was still alive, in her basket, eating her favourite food yesterday..

but she's gone.. really gone.. gone forever..

still remember the time when sh & i bought them from the pet shop, we were looking at xiao chun for a very long time, he was the one who decide on buying xiao chun, & i was the one who chose xiao ai.. out of the two female hamsters in the cage, i chose her.. i guess that's fate..

xiao ai had been staying in my house for half a year.. in this half a year, i found out that xiao ai's character resemble mine alot, & that always brought me a lot of laughter.. never did i consider myself as a very good owner, but i think at least, at some point of time, i did bring her some joy & happiness.. like when i fed her her favourite food & when i pet her to sleep.. i really hope she felt gald to have me as her owner..


xiao ai looked so serene..

independent
xiao ai was a very independent hamster, up to a point you can call her solitary.. she hated it when we disturbed her (that's why we loved disturbing her!) everytime we tried to touch her, she would jerked & give us a stare like this one..

isn't she just so adorable? haha.. so fierce yet so adorable.. i just can't stop loving her, even after she's gone..

rough
xiao ai loved to tear tissue paper, every morning i would give her some tissue paper before i go for work, and she would start tearing and biting until you could not recognise it anymore.. biting tissue was one of her favourite past-time (besides running on the wheel).. and we had pampered her so much until she was even picky with the quality of the paper.. once i had given her a lower quality one (very soft & felt a bit damped), when i came home, the tissue remained on the floor, untouched.. she liked to bite paper as well, but not all kinds of paper.. she only bite those that are of good quality (ie, heavier ones).. she bite a corner off my letter from NUS(the one informing us about the PIN).. still remember she loved that paper so much she held onto it with both hands when she was biting, reluctant to let go..

xiao ai always filed her teeth using her wheel stand.. and everytime she filed her teeth, we'ld know, because she would make a lot of noise(c'mon! she was biting plastic!) and she would start kicking the air with her hind legs, while her hands would cling onto the wheel and her whole body would be moving very vigorously, especially her head.. so rough right? not behaving like a female at all.. but that's what made xiao ai unique..


xiao ai sleeping..(she hardly sleep like this)

petty
later on in the year, when she was getting used to us (as in my mum & i), she started to let us touch her, but but but.. only for a period of time.. as in, only in the evening, from 7++ untill 8++, she would let us sayang her then.. she always look like this when we pet her

her whole body would relax & lay flat on the floor.. i bet she loved it a lot.. like dogs, she loved it most when i stroked her on her neck(yes!hamsters have neck, even though you may not see it) and behind her right ear.. she enjoyed it so much she could fall asleep..

not only she hated people touch her, she hated it when we touched her belongings as well.. she always gave us that stare whenever we removed her teared tissue paper.. there was this time when my mum moved some of her tissue paper to a corner in her basket.. guess what's her reaction? she stared at my mum and her hand.. once my mum placed the tissue on the floor & her hand was out of sight, xiao ai walked to that spot immediately and stuff all the tissue into her mouth, & placed them back at where she had initially put it.. see.. isn't she evil.. haha.. just like me..


xiao ai in her tissue paper mess

smart
xiao ai, unlike other hamsters, had a rather good memory.. she could remember things that took place a few weeks ago.. and that's why we always have problem conning her to bathe.. because she remembered the methods we used.. for example, we conned her into her wheel, then transfer into the sink, and it only work once, the next time she refused even to step near the wheel(i guess she could sense that we were "up to no good") so we tried shoe box, toilet paper roll.. all sorts of other containers.. remember there was this time my mum conned her out of her cage, telling her to go into her basket, she walked through the toilet roll happily until she sensed something was wrong (i think she could smell water of something), guess what was her reaction after that? she walked backwards, tried to moved back into her cage.. but my mum was cleverer, in the end, she still dropped into the sink and had her bath.. after this incident, she dared not come out of her cage for a few weeks.. had to do some "investigation" before stepping out of her cage into her basket..

do you know that xiao ai could recognise her name? everytime we called her (either "xiao ai eh.." or "xiao ai yo!"), she would look up and start sniffing.. we trained her to understand her name.. and she was clever enough to learn that..

we let xiao ai out in her basket in the day ('cause it's more spacious) & let her return to her cage at night (cozy).. and whenever we let her return to her cage, we always tilt the basket unitl it's low enough for her to crawl into the entrance.. xiao ai was a fast learner, in less than a few days' time, she learned that and since then, everytime we started to remove her stuff at night, she would know it's time to go "home"; started to get restless and kept running towards the four corners of the baskets, trying to jump out 'cause she could not wait to go back to her cozy cage..


a rare look at her mouth.. when she's sleeping.. haha

loving and caring
xiao ai, just like her name (her name is "little love" while translating it directly) was very loving and caring.. you see, while normal female hamsters kill their own offspring after human touch them, xiao ai did not.. that time when she gave birth, she was still staying in sh's house..and because sh's mother dislikes dirtiness alot and could not stand seeing the mess xiao ai made in the cade, she changed the bedding, with her bare hands, on the day xiao ai gave birth to her babies.. but instead of eating them all (because they then carry the human scent), she continued to feed & keep them warm.. so sad all died not long after..

after xiao chun died, sh seperated xiao ai and xiao xiao.. one day, out of mischief, he placed xiao ai into his cage.. and since xiao xiao was in puberty, he kept sniffing xiao ai's butt & want to hop on her (think he forgot she's his mother).. instead of fighting with xiao xiao (she always fought with xiao chun because she didn't want), she just ran.. she kept running and hiding away from xiao xiao.. i think she could remember that was her son, and that's why she didn't bare to attack..

how i miss her so..

greedy
xiao ai loved to eat(like owner, like pet!=]), especially all those type of food that is either sweet (like papaya, apples, cai xin, soya bean milk, milo, coffee(?!), nian gao, gou ci[this chinese herb that is sweet], raisins, etc) or food that's super high in carbohydrates (like man tou, cakes, pandan cakes, swiss rolls, bread, rice, noodles(she was holding onto a small section of noodle, using her hands!), biscuits, breakfast cereal, etc).. everytime we eat these food in front of her, she would go "hay-wire": start sniffing around non-stop, giving this expression that she want to eat, and try to stretch her body(upwards) so that she can reach for the food..


xiao ai eating papaya, one of her all-time fav.(my mum was feeding her)

strong will
a few months after we bought xiao chun & ai, they fought.. and it was so serious that xiao chun actually bite her tail off, her private part was injured and the fur around her butt was bitten off as well.. we were so scared, thought she would not survived (there were blood in the cage), but she did..

i remembered there were a few incidents took place in my house that could have taken her fragile, glass-like life away.. like the first time we helped her bathe, i put too much water in the bowl and she struggled.. not long after she stopped struggling and she float on the water, my mum & i was so scared she would die just like that.. 'cause she was lying in the sink, heart did not seem like beating.. but in the end, she vomitted some water out & her was normal again..

another time my mum bathed her & she kept pouring water into her face.. then not long after she lost conscious again.. after awhile, she vomitted water out and was well again..

last month she accidentally injured her tumour and she lost a lot of blood(more blood than i ever see in my life).. she kept peeling the blood clot which made her bleeding worse.. for a week she looked so weak and ill.. thought she was dying.. but she survived once again..

who knows she couldn't survive this time.. i guess her will power was at the limit..



fierce
xiao ai is very fierce you know.. the most fierce hamsters i have ever seen.. she bit me twice (missed me by a lot of times), once on my nail and another time on my fourth finger and it bled.. i was so angry with her i flicked her butt twice.. she got so scared she went to hide behind her wheel(she always did that when she's afraid.. her wheel was her everything).. she bit me just when i was adjusting her wheel for her and my hand stopped for a moment.. she always attacked something that's stationary.. and ran away if it's mobile..

still remember that time after NUS Open House, i brought home a NUS lion and i gave it to xiao ai, her reaction was so hilarious: at first she did not realised that i have place something foreign in her basket & so she was roaming about as usual.. and when she saw that "giantic" lion, you could tell that she was shocked, she just suddenly stopped, raised her head, saw the lion, and ran away! haha.. after not long, curiousity overcome her fear & she slowly approached the lion.. she was walking like she was doing "leopard crawl".. she touched it & ran of again.. then after a few tries and she realised that the lion is just an object, she started to attack it! she bit the legs, then the hands & then later the head, non-stop!.. haha.. so fierce yet so cowardy..


once my xiao ai.. forever my xiao ai

last but not least, xiao ai is CUTE, probably the cutest hammie on earth
one day during the Chinese New Year, my mum was frying some nian gao(CNY Cake)and xiao ai smelt the aroma and i bet she loved the smell (because she kept looking into the kitchen, with her nose sniffing non-stop!) then later on, my mum gave her a bit and she went "hay-wire" again.. kept biting and putting nian gao into her mouth.. and as you all know, nian gao is chewy, i still remember her expression when she was chewing it: a look of contentment, happiness ('cause it's sweet), with a tinge of tireness ('cause i think it's too chewy and it stuck on her teeth).. what an adorable face..

there was this morning i saw xiao ai playing with the bell (actually i don't know if she was really playing or she was fighting it 'cause that bell sort of irritate her).. she was trying to bite and catch the bell with her hands.. then later on i think she wanted to try climbing it.. and since it's only hung on a piece of string, it's unstable.. and she fell flat on the floor, the expression on her cutie little face was so hilarious.. i will never forget her..

still remember there was this time she wanted to bite my mother but she missed it.. my mother was so angry she took the toilet paper roll to "attack" her: use it to scratch her back.. she kept trying to run away, hiding in all the possible places she could find, but my mum still wouldn't let her off.. in the end, she gave up running, she ran towards the bell, bite onto it with all her strength(my mum said her body was trembling) and her hands on the other toilet roll for support, and she let my mum stratched all she wanted.. when my mum stopped, she walked away immediately.. then when my mum wanted to start another round of her "attack", xiao ai immediately ran back to the bell and bite onto it again..

tell me.. where else can you find such an adorable hamster?


i miss her really badly, but i know it's a relief for her, she was suffering in these few weeks, with a big tumour growing on her small, tiny body, obstructing her heartbeat & breath.. diabetes that was worsening as days went by.. and a blood pressure so high to a point it scared me.. her fur was dropping, her cheeks were sinking in.. her weight was losing in an alarming speed.. the tumour was so huge one of her limbs couldn't move much (in her last few days she was hopping around with her three limbs).. she was in a really bad condition.. in the last few days of her life, all she did was lay down on the floor, or sit up, and stared into the blank space.. she didn't run about; didn't run on her wheel; did not run through her tunnels(toilet paper roll); didn't file her teeth vigorously using the stand.. not anymore..

it hurts me so much to see her suffer.. i should feel happy that she's finally free from all these suffering she seriously did not deserve.. and yet, i just cannot stop mising her.. she had left too much behind.. her teethmark everywhere, her food, the water that was just replenished yesterday, her bedding, her shampoo, her run-about ball, her toys.. i just can't help it.. i really miss her alot..

however, i know someday i will stop thinking about her, one day, i will stop missing her.. just like what happened to xiao chun and xiao xiao.. but i know, for sure, i will never forget my dear little hamster, xiao ai, she'll live on, in a special place in my heart, forever and ever..

goodbye, xaio ai.. may you find eternal peace and happiness in the place you have gone to.. and promise me you'll live happily ever after with xiao chun, xiao xiao, and all your other babies, okay?


"maybe my love will come back someday.. only heaven knows.."

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 20:38 0 Comments

commission

i just remembered last thursday (which is a week ago), i went back to my ex-company to collect my commission.. & i forgot all about it until just now during lunchtime.. haha.. maybe it's because the money is not with me, i had it with me for a few days only & i didn't even touch the money (it's in an envelope, on my table, under Times magazines)..

i actually planned to call them on 2nd may, but i didn't have the courage to do so, and i dragged on until last week.. i was so nervous when i was calling, my heart was pounding so darn fast, which i really wonder why.. haha.. i was merely asking about something that is rightfully mine, and yet i feel like i'm a thief.. haha.. & when doreen (one of my ex-colleagues) told me she believed i was the only one who called in to check my commission, i was even more nervous.. haha.. really felt like i was doing something sinful you know.. anyway, she told me our trainer resigned & i have to check my commission with the boss, but she was on-the-line & asked me to call in the next day..

the next day, i didn't have the courage to call in at all.. speaking to the boss & asking her about my commission sounds really difficult to me, but, i called again.. this time, my ex-supervisor, florence, amswered the phone.. she told me the money's ready & asked me to collect it on the next day..

and so, i went off an hour earlier & went back to my ex-company with sh.. waited for half an hour at the reception, saw no other part-timer going back except this girl call Katherine.. and then, i was in the boss's office counting my commission.. haha..

it was much more than i expected (i was expecting less than S$50 though), because they told me before i left, that they'll deduct money from our commission for the mistake we made while we're working, and since i made so many mistakes while i was working, i was expecting most of my commission to be deducted.. but it doesn't really seems to be that case..

anyway, i think i shouldn't disclose the exact amount i got (later people say i am a show-off again).. but i paid for my new spects with this bonus and i still have some money left for my bank account..

haha.. maybe going to give sh a treat.. but it depends, i may get a new mobile instead..

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 14:09 0 Comments

xiao ai

after a few days of observations, i am quite sure xiao ai has diabetes & i don't know what to do.. the following are some of the symptoms i observed & identified:

1)xiao ai is drinking a lot more water than she did in the past (i read in a book, it stated that it's one of the symptoms of diabetes)

2) xiao ai loves sweet food, like bread, buns, apples, cakes, biscuits, & lately, she drinks her owm pee (she doesn't do that in the past)

3) sometimes there are ants and flies around her basket

4) she pee very often, even more frequent than human beings (which is seriously abnormal cause hamsters can pee once a few days, they can condense their pee, but apparently, she has lost that ability, due to some unknown reasons, one of which i suspect's dun to her old age)

i am really worried, want to buy her some medicine for her diabetes, but i don't know if it is available in the market.. it'll be really expensive to visit the vet for the medicine.. because my instinct told me that the vet we went the previous time does not know much about hamsters.. & i think by the time i find a time to bring xiao ai to vet, most probably she's in a coffin already (i am booked this weekend, have something urgent to attend to, can't bring her to vet)

so worried she'll drink her own pee now when she's alone at home & no one's there to look after her..

my poor xiao ai..

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 10:12 0 Comments

mothers' day + "the wild"

normally on mothers' day, i would make my mum a card, but this year, i didn't have the time to make one, not because i couldn't be bothered, but because i was busy doing housework.. (she's currently working & didn't have time to do housework, so i try to help her out on sunday, when i normally stay at home & relax)..

besides that, nothing much happened yesterday..

bathed xiao ai in the morning, so shocked to see her dropped so much fur in this week.. the size of her tumor, for some unknown reason, reduced greatly, but something's wrong with her bladder.. she pee a lot.. a lot more than normal hamsters.. & she drinks a lot of water also.. i'm worried that she has diabetes.. also shocked to know that her stomach area is almost bald now.. guess her days are really numbered..

i really don't want her to leave me.. but if it's painful to contiue living, then i wish she can leave this world peacefully with minimum pain..


went to watch "the wild" on sat.. saw the trailor & i thought it's funny.. turned out to be a great disappointment.. don't mean to spoil anyone's mood, but if anyone is planning to watch it, please think thrice.. sh & i wasted almost twenty bucks on trash..

basically, it's like a combination of "finding nemo" and "madagascar" (both of which are great animation".. sounds great? haha.. the sad thing is that "the wild" is a bad imitation of these two great successful movie.. the storyline's like this: a lion cub wants to go to the wild (madagascar) but his dad doesn't allow (finding nemo), but the lion cub somehow manage to escape the zoo & went to africa, then the dad & his group of funny but useless friends, set off from their New York Zoo (madagascar) to find the lion cub back (finding nemo)..

this week, "over the hedge" will be out.. the trailor looks great also.. hope it's funny..

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 10:28 0 Comments

.bored.

sitting in office, down with flu (cough, sore throat, a bit of running nose), tired, bored.. what can be worse as this?

just got my hair cut yesterday, it sucks.. look so different from what i chose (i chose something that looks lady-like & elegant, in the end it is street style, like punk..).. now i look like a kid again.. how am i going to wear skirts & heels?.. just imagine a kid in "lacey" blouse, heels & kneel-length skirts, look so weird right? that's how i'll look for at least the next one month..

can't get more sian than today..

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 10:36 0 Comments

how frustrating!

just now something happened in the female toilet which made me darn frustrated.. i was washing my colleague's mug, then this malay girl suddenly said, "excuse me, that's my mug, did you take it from the toilet? cause i left it in the toilet, you must have took it."

can anyone just imagine? the mug doesn't belong to me, i borrowed it from my clolleague because it's bigger than mine & it has a cover (easier to brew tea).. i am being framed as a thief when i am truly innocent.. i was so upset when i left the ladies..

but i can understand how that girl feels.. if i were her, i would be really angry to see someone else using something which belongs to me.. & when i asked her, she still denied that the mug is not mine even though i know very well that it's mine.. understand what i'm saying?

but i can't give it back to her just like that what.. if i'm the one who took it (i wouldn't be so cheap as to take a mug from the toilet), i would have return it to her immediately.. but it's not that case.. how can i trust what she say? my colleague told me the mug belongs to her, if i give it to that girl just like that, then how am i going to answer my colleague when she see me returning to the office empty-handed?

if it were to happened to me, i would have asked the person in a much more polite tone (she was really rude when she talk to me, like questioning a thief).. her tone irritated me & that's also another reason why i didn't return her the mug.. if she has asked me in a more polite manner, then things may not have turn out like this, she may have gotten her mug back & i would have cleared my name..

it's all because of a stupid mug.. grr..

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 17:29 0 Comments

a big scare..

last night after i put down the phone, my mum ran into my room & told me, "jie, xiao ai's bleeding!".. i was almost scared to death when i saw her.. she was hiding at a corner, shivering, looking at that big "blood print"(we use paper as her bedding in the basket & so the blood spread & absorbed by the paper) & she looked so scared.. xiao ai is so small & she bled really alot for her size.. that "blood-print" is as big as her body.. i panicked & was totally at lost when i saw her blood.. when she moved, she continue to bleed non-stop..

at first i thought it came from her private part (i brought her to vet because of that).. but i was wrong; after my mum caught hold of her, we realised it was her tumour that's bleeding, just like what my mum suspected.. it seems like one of her chewing toy injured her tumour & it burst (her tumore is really huge & it looked like it was going to burst if we touch it).. i was so upset, 'cause i bought her the toy for her to play, i never expect the toy i bought would injured her.. it's like my fault that her tumour burst: if i did not buy the toy, then her tumour won't burst & she would not have to bleed so much & undergo such pain..

we tried to bandage her, but she's too furry & small, we finished bandaging her, & once she moved, the bandage's detached.. we cannot use tape or plaster because we scare she'll bite it off, or her fur'll drop when we remove the tape.. again, i felt guilty.. just on sunday, sh asked me bring xiao ai's medicine for injury home, but i didn't because i thought now she's alone, she won't get injured.. if only i brought home her medicine on sunday, then we would have the medicine there to treat her wound.. & becuase we did not have any medicine with us, we used medicine for human.. now i so scared the medicine we applied on her may poison her or something.. because i don't know what's the content & even though it's safe for us, i'm not sure if it's harmful for hamsters.. what if she licked it & poison to death? or one of the content inside the medicine will worsen her tumour? i am worried sick.. so scared she'll die when no one's home..

now i really know how important xiao ai's to me..

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 10:49 0 Comments

looking back..

yesterday i was really bored in office, so i went to take a look at my own blog (yes, i do look at my own blog, if not why should put in effort in the blog skin? besides, others seldom update their blogs, so i've no choice but to read mine).. and as i was reading through the archives (i started from my first post), i realised i was immature & naive in the past.. haha.. can anyone imagine? it's only two years ago & i am already calling my old self immature.. but that's really what i felt.. like those fights i had with my parents or brother or sh, at that point of time, i thought i am right & they are so wrong (can tell through my attitude).. but now when i looked back & recall those incidents & when i tried to put myself in their shoes,i realised maybe i wasn't that right & maybe, they are not that wrong either..

haha.. maybe i have grown up a little bit in this two years.. or maybe, it all took place in the past & now i can reflect & analyse the situation like an outsider..

from now on, i should add one more aim in my new year resolution (i know we are almost half way through year 2006 but does it matter? at least it doesn't matter to me=]).. to become a more understanding person by putting myself in others' shoes before i react or respond.. & i should think before i act all the time because my reaction may hurt other peeople..

hope i can really become a better person..

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 09:41 0 Comments

University Posting Results..

wah..just went to view my blog.. realised i have not been updating for 2 weeks already.. haha.. didn't realised time pass so quickly, cause it didn't feel like it has been 2 weeks since i last blog..

well.. back to my topic.. sat sh called me when i was out with my mum, informing me that the university posting was already out & can be viewed on the internet.. he told me he is accepted into environmental engineering in both NTU & NUS.. i was nervous about the posting results of course, but it didn't stop me from shopping with my mum..

sh was more anxious about my posting results than me.. kept asking me go home check results.. haha..

i got my first choice.. NUS business administrative with accounting.. but i don't know if that's the course i really want.. furthermore, ko sing told me that even if i graduate with an accounting degree.. i'll still have to take another accounting test by the british, after working for two years, (it's them again!) before i can become a certified accountant.. before that, i can only be at most account assistant.. i was really sian after i heard that..

sigh.. bo bian .. i don't know where my interest lies.. guess i have to stick with this choice until i graduate.. but i promised my mother & myself, if i were to take accounting, i'll have to make sure i do my best & graduate with at least a second class upper honour degree.. haha.. hope i can fulfill this promise i make to myself..

for those who have not receive your posting results, GOOD LUCK! may you get the course you desired!=]

posted by +abrac[A]dabra+ @ 15:22 0 Comments