heaven
yest i tot of tis: where's heaven?
ere's tis song tt goes.." ..heaven is a place on earth.. "..is heaven really on earth? if not, where's heaven? wat's heaven 2 u?
if one defines 'heaven' as somewhere where u can do e things u like and haf no worries.. then shouldn't i b considered 2 b in heaven now? i mean it's during e sch hol now.. i haf 100% control o my time & i can choose 2 do e things i like.. then y dun i haf e feeling o bein in heaven? if not, then where's heaven? how can we reach ere?
jus a thought..
i feel really sad.. sth happened late last nite, after tt i started 2 tink back.. i realised tt 4 my whole life, i was neva given a real chance to make any important decisions.. i was being forced 2 do all e 'big' things in my life.. let me give some examples, when i was in primary sch in hk, my dad asked me 2 choose if i wanna go s'pore 2 study, i chose not 2 go, but in e end, i was still forced 2 come here (if i disobey my dad, he said he'ld disown me).. then when i was in secondary school, i was forced by my dad 2 take e subject combination i took, they forced me 2 take geography even though i was more interested in history at tt time.. i was also forced by e sch 2 take pure literature-in-english (ok, almost every1 in my sch'r forced 2 take tis subject).. when i go 2 junior college, i was again being forced by e school & my dad 2 take e subject combination im taking now(i really haf no interest in physics).. i feel that im so pathetic..im already so old(im 18, going on 19) & yet ppl ard me are still forcing me 2 do things & dun gimme a chance 2 make any impt decisions..
mayb u can call me 'cheap'(jian4).. becos i cant blame them all totally, it's aso partly my fault.. y? becos i always regret e decision i made, so how can any1 entrust any impt task 2 me? jus take choosing jc as e example, i was given e freedom 2 choose e jc which i wanna go 2, even though my L1R5 wasnt tt fantastic, but it could bring me 2 another jc which's much nearer 2 my hse, i shld haf chosen tt sch wat.. i mean hu noe? mayb tt sch'll b diff, they may allow me 2 take up subject i like, unlike tis sch, which has so many restrictions.. im not really regretting tt much now.. cos in less than a year's time, i'll b leaving tis sch.. anyway, all i wanna say's tt i tink im 'jian4', i complained when ppl dun gimme a chance 2 choose e life i wanna lead, but when im given e chance2 choose, i'll most probably regret it afterwards..
i hate it when ppl forced me 2 do anything tt i dun like, seriously.. hu like it? i hate it even more when ppl start blackmailing me emotional, which is y i dislike my dad so much.. i tink ppl hu uses emotional blackmail r most despisable.. they'r really cunning.. i hate them!
i shall not complain abt those 'big' decisions, cos they do it 4 my own good.. but how abt 'small' decisions like wat 2 buy or whether 2 go out? i mean my life is already controlled by others, i really dun want others 2 control tt little freedom im left wif.. like 4 example, if i dun wanna do something, dun force me, cos it's 1 of e small things tt im left wif..y must u try 2 take tt right frm me? i dun wanna b pushed ard 4 e rest o my life.. u can b unhappy 4 all u want, but pls dun try 2 do anything 2 make me feel like i haf made some kind o mistake. i din.
it takes 3 seconds to fall in love, but 3 decades to get along
::taken form sony advertisment::
a meaningful story
today as i was reading zaobao, i came across tis story which's really meaningful & touching.. so now i took it from zaobao.com & paste it here, hopefully more ppl'll read tis story (becos i noe a lot o ppl'll not bother 2 read zaobao or even its website)..i'm really sorry it's in chinese.. the story was originally in chinese & i dun tink i haf e ability 2 translate it in2 english..
*hopefully e chinese words can appear on e actual site, cos it's really meaningful..*
张泛
说一个妈妈和孩子的故事。
早产儿刚出世，医院的氧气筒出了故障，当接生的医生和护士从妈妈身体里拖出不会哭的孩儿，都以为是死婴，望着疲累不堪的妈妈那殷切的双眼，不知如何去安慰她。医生和护士以为是死胎的他，刹那间有了生命迹象。大家都喜悦万分。只是，这婴儿怎么不哭？四个月大之后，经过一位国外学成归来的医生诊断，才知道孩儿患上了罕见的脑性麻痺症。
媽媽特地让孩儿晚一年上学，和小他一岁的妹妹同班，好有个照应。
上学的那一天，媽媽告诉他说：“儿啊，如果有小朋友骂你‘白痴’或‘神经病’，别理他们，这不是你的错。”果然有一天，他在学校被同学骂“傻蛋”，看起来是有点傻傻的他，回家笑着跟妈妈说：“妈，同学说我是傻蛋，我不理他们，我不生气。”妈妈听了，心酸酸。以后“傻蛋”，“白痴”或“神经病”成为了他的绰号。
直到上了中学，有一天他放学回家，身上有多处被欺负的瘀伤，妈妈终于崩潰了，亲戚劝妈妈说：“像他这样的孩子，还是到国外好，国外有特殊教育。”于是十四岁的他和弟弟妹妹，就这样被妈妈帶到人生地不熟的南非，一开始，不是那么顺利，从一个城到另一个城，终于在开普敦落户，在那儿有所专门为脑性麻痺小孩上学的学校，可以从小学、初中一直念到高中毕业。可是问题来了，当时南非还是处在种族隔离期间，白种人才能报读的学校，怎么会收留外国孩子？妈妈带着他向校方请求，校方与家长会详细讨论后，网开一面，让他试读一段时间，再做决定，那天，妈妈，喜极而泣。考智力测验那关，校方考虑到他还只会ABC，特地请来翻译人员，英文那关显然难过，校方收录他入学，让他降回小六念起。妈妈抱着他哭。視神经受到伤害，弱视六百度的他，运动神经也受伤，他的手不能写小字，经费不充裕的校方特地为他向各方争取经费，买了一台手提电脑专给他使用。妈妈索性為他请了电脑家教。他的电脑才华，很快被赏识，老师搞不定的程式，他一搞就通，以后高中部电脑当机或有病毒，都送小学部給他解決，家长们也都把家里的电脑，请他帮忙。半年后，他的英文突飞猛进，狂爱英文古典诗，喜剧剧本。有一次，交上作业，老师以为他抄袭，要他写一篇更長的诗，校长对他說：“你再写几篇更长的诗，学校为你出版。”
校长拿到他的新作品时，惊讶地说：“你是一颗閃亮的星。”他终于以第一名成绩毕业，典礼上，全校的家长起立为他鼓掌，妈妈满眶热泪。想起以前他在老家读书，考倒数第二名，被老师打骂，妈妈心痛地看着鞭痕，对他说：“你比妈妈历害，妈妈以前考最后一名。”
他以优异成绩被南非最好的开普敦大学录取。也成为全校的宠儿。
受景仰受宠的英文诗人。而他常说的一句话就是: “妈妈好伟大。”
各位。不是只在母亲节才对母亲说： “妈妈我爱你”，回家马上说吧！
而我，想说……却没得说了……
after reading tis story, im really touched by it..& im kinda sad aso..when tis boy's in his own country (i dunno where exactly he's frm, but i tink shld b frm asia becos his english wasnt good initially), he was being look down on, not only by his peers, but aso his teachers, dun u tink tt's really a sad thing? i mean if e children they make fun of these disabled i still can understand, becos they'r still young & their parents may not haf taught them how 2 respect & treat every1 e same way..u noe, tt e children mayb ingorance..but even the adults, they looked down on him aso! i mean i tot they'r t'chers & they shld not do tis! e t'cher noe tt tt boy's slower than e other students, then shldnt they put in more effort 2 teach him & b more paitent w him, instead o beating him or scolding him when he doesnt understand e lesson? i tot teachers'r suppose 2 b understanding! i tot they'r e 1 hu mould e future o their countries & so shldnt they set good examples 4 their students? i mean was kind of examples they'r showing 2 their students if these teachers looked down on e disabled?
aso, i realised these kind of story always happened in asia, as in ere'r always ppl hu'r being considered as 'stupid' or 'dumb' or 'hopeless' in asian countries, but once they go overseas like e western counntries, they would b recongised & end up being far more successful than their peers in their home countries.. y do tis always happen in asia? y? is it becos in asia, ppl pay too much attention 2 e so-called 'main-stream' & they considered those hu cant or dun go w e majority as losers & labelled them as ' weirdos'?
somehow, im quite sad 2 b an asian in tis case.
something for somebody
for someone,
u disappoint me, but u dunno. i really dunno wat 2 say 2 u. i neva noe u'r like tis, till tt day. u said all those words in front o so many ppl. i dunno of they noe or if they could tell, but i noe it very well..all e things u said were actually meant 4 me 2 hear..haha..really haf 2 thank you 4 sayin all those words, they woke me up.. i din noe im such a lousy person & did such a lousy job until u said so.. but how would i noe? i neva tot i did a lousy job wat.. so really thank you 4 telling me off when ere'r other ppl ard.
u'r really funny. u said we'r suppose 2 do sth w/o being told. but pls, hu ever tot tt we need 2 do so much 4 such a small event (it's not even big enuf 2 b called a event, but i couldn't find another word 2 replace tt actual word..so do pardon me). anyway i dun tink u knew we'r suppose 2 do tt until someone else asked 4 it & u cant produce it. im really sorry i was, and mayb still am, unable 2 help u 2 achieve e goals u want, like showin 2 others how good & effecient u'r..tt they din make a mistake in choosing u..WATEVA!
e whole thing, u were jus toking abt e same thing, & hu'r they aiming at?ME! all e things u said were e things i was in-charge of. i apologise here cos i noe im in e wrong, i din get it done, but please, im in e wrong is NOT equals 2 im TOTALLY AT FAULT! u'r partly responsible aso. when i told u i din get it done, u were, of cos, unhappy, i told u i'll get it done on e spot becos it's such a simple task. do u remember? u asked me dun bother, u said it's alrite.
DO U REMEMBER? & now, u'r blaming me, scolding me on tt, on tt simple task which u asked me dun need 2 do. now pls look here, m i e only 1 at fault? AM I?
u wanna prove how capable u'r, u wanna show how good u'r, then go ahead, i wun get into ur way.
but when u fail, dun take it out on us, dun push all e damn blame on us & make urself seem totally innocent & not responsible. DUN EVER USE US 2 ACHIEVE UR DAMN GOALS! DUN EVA USE US AS SHIELD!tt's such a disgusting act! & i neva expect u 2 do such a thing like tis.
im really disappointed in mankind. humans r selfish, humans r greedy, i noe & i accept tt (i m human too & so i haf these flaws too).. but i really hate those hu try 2 get themselves out of trouble & blame by pointing their damn filthy fingers @ others, esp when they haf a part 2 play.
u noe im really tempted 2 scold u tt big F word, but i decided not 2 becos i noe u & u noe me.
i dunno if u read tis entry, or if u noe im toking abt u..but tis's how i feel, so WATEVA!
frm,
yuk!
jus crap..
ok..it has been awhile since i wrote sth here..(e previous entry was copied and pasted frm a chain letter, so not counted)..
today i went 2 sch 4 cca..and it's kinda difficult 4 me becos i hafnt been getting up earlier than 9am since nov!!and 2day, i haf 2 get up at 6.45am..when my alarm rang, i jus ignore it and continue sleeping..i normally cant do tt becos i always find e alarm irritating, so i will at least get up & switch it off b4 going back 2 sleep..but 2day it's different..guess im really not used 2 it..die! how am i gonna to survive when sch starts? i'll haf 2 get up at 5+am!!!
last saturday i went out wif my mum to suntec city.. b4 we went suntec, we 1st went 2 some neighbourhood shops 2 look ard..we walked pass a shop and my mum wanted 2 buy pants 4 my bro, so we stopped and browse e shop.. my mum asked e shopkeeper, hu is anauntie in her 40s, if they other sizes available 4 this pair of pants.. guess wat tt auntie say?.. she asked my mum,' is ur son as fat as ur daughter? '..hahahaha..nobody can understand my feeling at tt point of time..i was really angry la i mean.. seriously, i noe i am fat, thank you. u dun haf 2 say it out.
u noe ere's tis kind o ppl i dun really like in tis world, they r e 1s hu'r super duper frank.. i noe being frank and str-forward is a good thing..but sometimes they get so frank till tt extend i really cant stand.. like tt auntie, i dun tink she said it intentionally (i mean hu wants to get their customers annoyed?) but still.. so i really believe tt lying is not a bad thing totally..sometimes a whilte lie can help ppl 2 gain back confidence..or mayb even save their lives..
after i heard tt, it's really like an alarm 2 me.. i can choose 2 respond in 2 ways: eat even more & make myself much fatter; or i can choose 2 go o a healthy diet & try 2 lose weight..luckily, i chose e latter.. yah..im starting to exercise..haha..after a yr..hopefully my tis diet works.. i haf been going on & off diet since sec.3..and so far, only 1 succeed..tt's e1 after O'level..haha..2day i went 2 sch & im tired, so i'll excuse myself 2day..hopefully i wun excuse myself frm exercising tmr.. pls wish me luck!
oh, as 4 tt previous Q abt tt baby..im not really sure becos i neva gone thru tt phrase (& wish i dun haf 2) .. but as 4 now.. i dun tink i'll keep it.. i dun want 2 bring a life to e world & let my child suffer.. i dun wish 2 c myself hating tt child 4 giving me misery & suffering (i dun tink any1 will hate their children, but dun u tink it's a pain when u c ur loved 1s suffering like tt? at least i tink it's heart-breakingly painful..) hu wants their love 1s, esp their children, 2 suffer pain, esp pain tt most ppl doesnt haf 2 go thru? if so, then y do u want 2 bring them 2 tis world? 2 torture urself? or ur child?.. (i tink alot o ppl'll tink tt im wrong but it's ok, different ppl haf diff views on same topic anyway..)
ok.. i shall tink of another question 2 post..till next time (i dunno when'll tt b)..bye 4 now!=P
